Limbo

Limbo

I’ve been in a limbo half my life. Stuck at the same place I so desperately wanted to try for the first time. It looked out of my comfort zone. A nice challenge. And now, years have passed and it has become the ultimate comfort. all I want, all I need – is to be able to get out of this  comfort zone, and into a fiery pit that would make me run like never before.

All I keep thinking about is the various ways i can employ to achieve this goal. And somehow, nothing seems to work. Even if I start the whole thing afresh. I can’t understand why I am being tested in such a manner that all I can see is haze before my eyes and fear in my mind. Does it mean that I don’t have what it takes to get out of the pitiful position I’m in? Am I responsible for all of this? Whatever ‘this’ is…

I’ve had thoughts of giving up. But my mind just can’t do it. So weak! And that is why here I am, a fool, trying and trying to get somewhere. Waking up everyday thinking today will be different, and going to bed at night with just a replay of the past days, just like the days before, jut like the days before.

death sentence

a long quest to obtain
the cursed youth fountain
for the ability to sustain
the morals and to maintain
chains around who contain
no strength to abstain
vices taller than mountain
ergo my choices will pertain
to destroy and to detain
for sanity itself to attain

blaming faults

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what has become of life
if not a caricature
living the same day, everyday
and still can’t curse nature

for the fault is but my own
and the mistakes, all mine
and yet i pine to blame else
even cursing the powers divine

how do i get out of this maze
my patience has run out
am i being played with
or is it wolf i shout

unrequited

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it’s been too long to count
the days of my love for you
immovable through stormy life
yet unrequited throughout

my use to you was to be used
for your whims were my commands
only to be discarded after
like stale news of old yester

at least you could’ve hated me
i would’ve cherished the vehemence
all i could see was indifference
unworthy to elicit an emotion

begging for pain

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staring at that blank page
for hours on end
trying really hard to find
worthy use for the parchment

where have all the words gone
why has the ink dried
used to fill both sides easy
it’s hard now to finish a side

maybe it’s this feeling i have
all the pain seems torched
how do i write when i’m happy
who am i if i’m not scorched

A drop in the ocean

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I feel alone. In this vast ocean of people, all I wanted was to be able to stand on my own. To be someone. Someone who mattered. But right now, it seems I am granted my wish in the cruelest way possible. I am that one drop of water in the ocean who is somehow flowing, not by its own will, but because every drop around it wants to flow. They choose the direction, they choose the speed. They choose the destination. I feel I am supposed to just listen. Helpless, while other droplets, seemingly happy with their choice, going with the flow. I don’t know if I brought this upon myself or is this exactly what they call destiny. I don’t know if I even believe in something as random as destiny. I feel so lost I can’t help but wonder how things would’ve gone differently had everything went exactly as planned by that droplet a decade ago. To wake up and look in the mirror everyday, wondering if this day would be any different. To look into the eyes of everyone else, knowing what exactly they are thinking of you. I have no idea how long will I be able to keep up with this charade. Will I break soon? Or will I be able to handle this? I feel I am so far down the tunnel that I can’t go back. And yet not close enough to the end to see the light at the end of it. All I wanted was to stand out. To get an opportunity, to get a chance that I truly believe I deserve. And yet I here I stand alone. With my wish granted in the cruelest way possible.

judgements

A photo by Julia Caesar. unsplash.com/photos/DpoMKEARZe4

a little hair out of place
a little longer in the bed
a little decibel higher
and i am judged

there’s a finality in that guess
no heed given to what i said
trying to balance a high wire
still i am judged

that plastered smile on your face
is that purple skirt with red
like a hooker on hire
yes, you are judged

everyone judges everyone else
but judge themselves, they see red
and yet goes on, this quagmire
we are all fucked