no more

nah… i’ve endured enough for you
no more shall i come to your rescue
a toy to play with and then
shove it under the bed
discarded. disposed off
away from any living gaze

while you roam around with
someone else
catering to every whims of
this creature
and i endure…
pain… regret… loss.

only for you to come back with
tears to soak my shirt
and me to just be happy while
i cry… i shout… i tremble…
to blind eyes and deaf ears
no more

this, here is when
i let you go
this, here, is when
i take a stand
this, here, is when
i become free!

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will it get better?

yesterday i was sleeping on a big bed, legs in leisure, paramount comfort. today, i can touch the opposite wall with absolutely no strain. i cannot stretch my legs. i can’t find any way to get comfortable.

to come to a new city and realize how people take advantage of people in need is not something i like. but, i can’t be too surprised. last time i was here, it had the same problems. the room was bigger though. more… roomier. this one cant be called a room. it’s a travesty that shouldn’t exist. i tried to adjust to it but it is fucking hard. placing a laptop on the bed that’s barely two feet wide and to try and rest… with my two bags that can’t fit anywhere, because there isn’t any place.

i am disappointed because this was supposed to help me study, get in the zone. how can i do that if the first problem that i need to solve is to be able to sit down quietly? i can hear others through the walls… people not more than five feet away from me. less than five hours and i am fed up. tired. and lost. i can’t get out for a month and this… this prison is all i got. such a different perspective, this. sad and lonely and miserable and in pain.

unpaved trail

the unknown path,
why is it calling me
everyone’s left the shore
why is it showing me the way

i breath because of you
i see the world
but the eyes are yours
i exist because of you

i am used to it now

i walk this lonely road
unending, unbending
i stop on this lonely road
unrepentant, unburdened

i am used to it now

this path, what do they want
they are immovable
these limbs, what do they want
they are unstoppable

i am used to it now

trust

the sweet nothings i whispered
were for you, not for one soul another
i thought we were together, up or down
here i am, without a shadow, full of doubt

tell me why? isn’t it the least i deserve
after all i lost, an answer to remember
shards of trust through broken heart
never again am i letting you close

speech

clutched in my hand
lies a parchment
words they say, it reads
scrambled thoughts
syncing unceremoniously

unprovoked thoughts from
my soul to the page
a euphoria, soon dread
who knew how eyes pierced
through your heart

stutter, stumble significant
scary silence, snide snickers
sick stomach
survive stares, say something
school said scholars

let them know the control
squarely lies in sweaty palms
a clown they want
so don’t tell you are looking at
a gathering naked, just black socks

the cracked mirror

the cracked mirror on the wall
staring back into the soul
watching life go by
can’t stand it

can’t stand the failures playing
in front of my eyes
can’t bear to rewind my being
and witness the lies

lies i told myself
to avoid facing my own gaze
uncover the bookshelf
of betrayal and not faze

i’m tired of it
watching life play by
hoping my mind would quit
asking why me, why?

Trunk full of terrors

There’s a trunk I know. A trunk full of terrors. A trunk full of scares. Buried deep somewhere.

There’s a key I know. A key that opens the trunk. A key that answers all the questions. Buried deep somewhere.

All I have done for most of my life is to keep the two separate. I don’t want that trunk open. Because I’m afraid.

I am afraid to face the realities buried. I am afraid to see my deepest fears come to life. So I try to forget them.

But every now and then it leaks the scares and run. Every now and again a quake shakes it open.

And I face fears inevitable. Monsters running wild, watching me fall through the void. I am rubble.

So, I reach for the key, deep within. And I get to the trunk. Maybe I should face them.

Nah. Someday though. Someday, I swear. You don’t know if I’m lying. You can’t tell.