begging for pain


staring at that blank page
for hours on end
trying really hard to find
worthy use for the parchment

where have all the words gone
why has the ink dried
used to fill both sides easy
it’s hard now to finish a side

maybe it’s this feeling i have
all the pain seems torched
how do i write when i’m happy
who am i if i’m not scorched


Prepackaged Freedom 

I know, I know. There has been a lot of random posts in the past week and not a lot of substance. I mean, I’d like to think otherwise. Those random posts aren’t all that bad and express what I feel. But I understand that it’s not what is expected. But sometimes, your focus turns to things that are not completely in your control and all of a sudden the things that were in your control get out of hand. 

Yes, my focus has been askew lately but not for inconsequential reasons. I do get an urge to write though. Everyday. I guess, the habit of writing random shit everyday turned out to be a good habit. I know if I keep up with my writing it is bound to get better. Or at least that’s what I’ve been hearing. And I like that feeling. That simple urge to just put some thoughts out. To relieve the darkness that sometimes pop up inside that tiny brain. To share thoughts that you can’t control and firmly grip you out of the blue. 

Take today’s movie experience for example. I saw a movie called the magnificent seven today. It was quite an entertaining movie. I’ve never had the opportunity to see the two movies that came out before this one. So, I can’t say where this one stands. But I liked it. It was a straightforward movie with some pretty good cast. But that’s not what made me chuckle. You see, the theater where I saw this movie had quite big english subtitles that took a lot of space. But on top of these subtitles, every time a character smoked, or even hinted at smoking – ‘smoking is injurious to health’ would appear on screen. That would take up 30% of the bottom screen. And considering the fact that this movie had dialogues and a lot of smoking, it happened a lot. 

But what I found peculiar was the complete idiocy and hypocrisy surrounding the idea of what constitutes as ‘injurious to health’. You see, along with all the smoking in this movie, another important aspect is all the shooting. I mean it’s a western. What do you expect? Now, smoking might kill people, but bullets definitely kill people. So, why is it that it’s ok to preach about how bad smoking is and not point out the violence? 

I’m not judging the violence or the smoking, but I just find it very interesting that somehow, some people in power just make up an arbitrary rule to make themselves feel better. I never liked the idea of curbing artistic expression. I also hate how audience is not given a choice to judge the art for themselves. It dissuades artists from expressing themselves freely and keep us from experiencing. 

Just a random thought though… 

Indelible mark in sand

In the quest of leaving behind an indelible mark after we die, we leave behind a lot of people when we are alive. Is that fair? Do we have to do that? Can’t we have the best of both worlds? Running an unwinnable race just for the hell of it. But then again, when has happiness meant rewards? Somehow, having the most difficult life seems to be the only way to matter.

‘Do you see him? Yeah, that guy. He went through a nasty break up. He wrote all about it in his latest article. It was so good.’ Somehow the tinge of real  life sadness makes it more worthwhile for people. And so it goes… The more you hurt yourself, the more you suffer, the better it is for the consumer. I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t have any study to base that on. However, I’ve never heard of a successful artist who never had to go through it.

So is sacrifice the only way to go through. A ritual that all have to go through. To have that pain flow through your every vein. To channel it into your work just so it’s not in vain. To insist on your sanity even if its insane. To bet it all even if there’s nothing to gain.