misplaced rage

disappointed with the way
i am treated simply because
you are the one hiding secrets
from me

why am i the one who suffers
the rage and swings and not
the one who is responsible
for this

am i to just give up my voice
and give in to all your whims
or should i stand my ground
and say ‘fuck off’

will it get better?

yesterday i was sleeping on a big bed, legs in leisure, paramount comfort. today, i can touch the opposite wall with absolutely no strain. i cannot stretch my legs. i can’t find any way to get comfortable.

to come to a new city and realize how people take advantage of people in need is not something i like. but, i can’t be too surprised. last time i was here, it had the same problems. the room was bigger though. more… roomier. this one cant be called a room. it’s a travesty that shouldn’t exist. i tried to adjust to it but it is fucking hard. placing a laptop on the bed that’s barely two feet wide and to try and rest… with my two bags that can’t fit anywhere, because there isn’t any place.

i am disappointed because this was supposed to help me study, get in the zone. how can i do that if the first problem that i need to solve is to be able to sit down quietly? i can hear others through the walls… people not more than five feet away from me. less than five hours and i am fed up. tired. and lost. i can’t get out for a month and this… this prison is all i got. such a different perspective, this. sad and lonely and miserable and in pain.

Anger

Is anger a friend? Every so often I find myself getting extremely angry about something or the other. It makes me want to say some things, do some things. It feels like an obsession, possessed and singular.

Something someone said is offensive. I can’t tolerate what someone stands for. A myriad of things, really. Is it my ego? It might be my ego. I think it’s my ego!

How can people be so stupid not to see what I can see right in front of me? Oh, I see red. How can people be so smart to see what I can’t see right in front of me? Red, again!

It’s a constant battle, this feeling. I lash out. I say something awful. I overreact. And then I feel like shit. What a brat. Couldn’t remain calm for a minute. Now, everyone is laughing at me for being a jerk. And I feel it too.

After it’s all done I feel a strange calm. The realization that I need to keep the bubbling feeling of rage in check hits me and I feel strangely at peace. In some ways then, anger helps. Shouldn’t it be considered as a friend?